High as a Kite

On life!  Herman Boone's talk and that kid's video really did a number on me.  This past week all I've done is think positively and I'm not over-thinking things as much.  I'm building my confidence little by little... at the end of the year.  So they'll be lessons more for next semester than in the now.  Guys, you never know how great it is to not hate yourself.... well, until you don't.  The way I've been feeling compared to how I feel now just makes it all too apparent. 

Had dinner with some awesome people today.  I hope I stay friends with them, I really do. 

I watched Waiting for Superman today. It was very powerful, and most importantly sad.  I cried a little.  I'm super sleepy or I would have more to say about it.

I met Herman Boon Today

He talked at my school.  Yeah, that Coach Boone. Not Denzel Washington, the real thing.  I had to go for extra credit in a course but I'm so glad I did and wish I would have wanted to anyway - so in short I'm glad I went!   He spoke with such sincerity and belief that we were all at USD for a reason, and it was pretty inspiring.  Some advice he gave that I'd like to pass on: have a plan for the future because we are the future.   But, plan your way.  I think that means to be ready and have a goal but also be flexible because as youth sometimes we either get too flimsy with our values/goals; conversely, we will squander our energy if we just spend all our time towards that one goal to the point where we stress ourselves out.

Have a great evening!

Today.

Was a mixed bag.  I realized I have very few friends and none of them are close.  My jealousy of those that have been succeeding is turning me into a very difficult person who only has more trouble going out.  I seem to have some sort of "RESCUE ME" attitude thinking that people will come and get me out of my room, and say "let's go on an adventure!" or something.  Even that one moment would be great.

People come for my roommate a lot.  So far this year only the same person has come for me twice, and the second time she just wanted to give me leftover pizza.

Today I was really down on myself until someone from school - without prompt - talked to me on facebook.  It's really weird, for even facebook contact to be enough to 180 my mood.  But sometimes it's enough.  And today it was.  It was a preeeetttyyyy laaaaaadyyyy~ (with apologies to her for the exaggerated creepiness should she ever find this) which helped.  And since I've been close to being on top of the world.

I'm just going to have to try harder!  I think I can do better.

Another thing that boosted my mood: this video below.  Not because of his suffering but because he knows that, even though he may hate himself, there's still so much more to do in life - and he is very strong to rise to the occasion and use his strength positively.

That last moment is so poignant and I wish I had the strength to actively remember that he's absolutely right.

 Some days I feel hopeless just like the way he describes.  His tears are truly genuine, and major props to him for speaking out in such a productive way.  I hope he takes comfort in knowing that this video has gone viral and will inspire many.

Update

I keep forgetting to do that. I should, I think it'd be good for me.

My mood is severely fluctuating these days.  Want to die, but not kill myself etc.  Oh well.

oh my

I hate college.  Two hours and I want to go home already.  I wanted to cry the whole time I was home just because I knew I'd have to come back.

I spilled my guts out to a good, nearly-stranger of a person Friday and I wasn't even drunk.  Gotta stop thinking so much is what I'm going to do from now on.  Think about the now.


And now I want out.

Welp

I'm writing another journal with a title "welp." I GO HOME TOMORROW!  So happy.  Good to see some friends.

Had fun today, used an abandoned classroom with a project to watch Batman TAS.

OH BOY

Blech!  Hangover.  Great great cast party though.  I knew this theatre stuff was worthwhile!  How are all 3 of my readers doing?

GOING HOME GOING HOME GOING HOME IN FOUR DAYS UGUU HURRY PLEASE

Welp,

Today was all right.  Not bad for a Wednesday, busiest day of my week.

huh.

isn't it funny. When we're all little, we have dreams.

And when you grow older, to about now, your dreams have changed. But you still have one and that's all that matters.

and then, this dream that you were so ready to fulfill. Suddenly becomes a burden.

You could proudly declare your future to a stranger but in private or with close friends you dodge questions about what you want to be

This really doesn't have anything to do with what we were saying or even what I want but it just came into my head and I had to type it

such bullshit. I try to make a point about growing up but it was simplified the way a child simplifies things.

 

 

Some stream of conscious I sent to a friend and thought I should share with the internet.

Angry

Wow... they lit up the Grove tonight. I remember when they first started that freakin' show, like 10-something years ago, they did it in early/mid december. Last year it was November 21st, which is at least SOMEWHAT close to Thanksgiving. I hate commercialism. Speechless. And I heard How the Grinch Stole Christmas is already running on TV, too... and would it kill channels to run the credits instead of sloppily SPLITSCREENING THEM with an abridged opening to a different show? Jesus.

 

Oh yeah and theatre is stressing me the FUCK out.  I almost had a breakdown today.  Maybe that's why finding out they lit up the Grove tonight pissed me off.

A Great Weekend!

My father visited.  I had dinner with him and watched Deer Hunter... well, half of it.  I fell asleep... 12 hour tech on Saturday!  It went well(ish.)  The Shape of Things opens Thursday, I can't wait to do this for real.

Doing well but counting the days until Thanksgiving break. Hating the fact that "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" is already on TV. 

The name of this journal sucks

Timesslave?  Jeez.  I should make a new one just because I hate that so much.

Check out my friend's blog, it's the greatest!  His blog is here.  He loves dogs, so check him out.

Hi Guys!

I'm in a great mood today and I don't know why.  But I must say, I'm planning on posting more here.  Just for my personal benefit. 

I've been working on this play called The Shape of Things.  Look it up, it's pretty awesome!  Don't wanna summarize it right now though.  But I find myself relating to the main character in terms of how I'm changing - only, I'm noticing it myself.  And as far as I know, it's not just for somebody!  For my own sake, I'm trying something more free-form with my hair and wearing more happenin' clothes.  Even the keeping a journal part is lifted from it... I'm one cool dude. 

 

Have some music.

YEAH

saw Australian Pink Floyd. They were cool.  Sorry I haven't been updating, I just am not used to having a blog.

<object width="400" height="300" ><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><param name="movie" value="http://www.facebook.com/v/10150402818328638" /><embed src="http://www.facebook.com/v/10150402818328638" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="300"></embed></object>

sigh

....

Man

I should update this more.  I guess I never really had to do something like this before, so I find myslf not caring enough to.  Finally had my taste of college drinking... never mind the fact that it was only me!  Strange to say, but it didn't really matter as much as I'd thought. Least I got the partying urge out of me so now I won't ever care again... it wasn't healthy for that to be bringing me down and bein' all depressing.

My parents are coming for Homecoming weekend.  Time to put on a smile and dodge any questions about if I like the school.  Love my professors but haven't really connected with people on a level that I'd like.

Oh, and my friend from home told me to stop talking to him for awhile because I was starting to annoy him.  Jesus.  You don't swear to brotherhood and then just decide that I'm not worth it.  I mean I guess you're busy, I understand, but... oh well. Whatever. Nevermind. He's probably right.

Wish I knew how to change the color of the titles. Oh well.

Listening to: Tonight's the Night - Neil Young. What an album.

Two Weeks Later

...well, nearly.  I'm updating for the sake of updating.  Not much is new.  Like my classes, my roomie brought his N64 which is the best, and I have my phone back.  I went home last weekend, mainly because I was invited because of a power outage.  You never really get homesick until you realize you have the option to go home.  Glad I did, though - I'm back and in full swing!  I may even actually be able to knuckle down and do my work now.

#2

No title because today was of no real importance.

Since it was Labor Day, I had no classes.  I struggled a VERY long time with my response to a poem, because I blanked on literary devices. And I can't focus right now since it's the beginning of school.  I'd bet most people have to deal with these problems right at the start of college.

I have friends!  I'm just a little out of the loop without my phone right now.  I tried to meet them for dinner but that didn't work out; so I went by myself to the dining hall, and when I finished I found them!  We went to watch the Sea World fireworks, which were AMAZING.  And almost played Mario Party.  Another time.

There is something missing in this blog, I feel like each entry should be of monumental importance or at least have some sort of literary wit.  Here's hoping I get a style going soon.

So

I had a dream the other night in which I went camping with my grandfather and his second wife, Jane.  Jane died when I was only three, so I really don't remember her - but Al* passed only four years ago.  It's a very strange thing to think about for me, because I was never close with Jane and as far as I know she never really cared for kids.  There's not a thing in the world that could give me a clue as to why I would have this dream now.  What is perhaps the strangest is that this dream was... coherent.  I think I was aware it was a dream, but this one sequence wasn't very surreal at all.  Suddenly, I was living this trip.  Bet it would've been a fun one even today, if it really happened; however, Al hated the great outdoors anyway.  Meh.

Oh and also I found out my parents lied to me about why my mother has been sick and that she did, in fact, drink out her liver.  Happy days, everybody.

Man, my writing sucks.  Maybe this blog can help improve it a tiny bit.

*I picked up calling my grandfather by his first name from my father, please don't take this as overly disrespectful to a man resting in peace.